The draft has some good information regarding the issue, and the details do make

The draft has some good information regarding the issue, and the details do make sense for the proposal. Just check the following: Structure the proposal as a cause/effect and have the problem/solution as the way to highlight details. Proofread throughout and check citations for attribution phrases (there are missing citations in places as well, especially for numbers), and then just be sure there is not so much pronoun usage (we, our). Make sure to have the problem/solution in the intro (do not end on a citation to speak for you). Use transitions to connect content throughout the paragraphs. The thesis statement is a good start, it only really states the issue, but not the main points
regarding the proposal. Also work on having a better introduction.